I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
