Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
