No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
