I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
