So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We are two peas in an std pod
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
