Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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