He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
