I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You are the jesus of drinking
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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