Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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