Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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