Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
