he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
