I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
