She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
