Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
