the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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