Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
