i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
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