In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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