The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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