Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
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