Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
