You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
