My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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