A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
