i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
and she was petting her beer can
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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