wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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