We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
