Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
