and she was petting her beer can
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
