I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
