I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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