so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Everclear isn't food dammit
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
