I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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