my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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