Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Randomize
