I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
