Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
