PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
