he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
