I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize