you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
