ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
