smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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