just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
