Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
