i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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