What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize