she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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