I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
