will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
