i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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