I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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