I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
