I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You were trust falling into bushes
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
