all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Bring me that man meat
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
