Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
