the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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