I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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